http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&hl=en&geocode=&saddr=Montrose

Life is full of un-exepected surprises. Although we can control the severity of it, we can never remove it all together. The last 5 years have been all about finding balance through extremes. The defining moments in my life have always happened in the extremes, and I don't know anymore if it's that I'm addicted to it, or if I just don't know anything else.

My ability to journal keeps sliding as time goes on. I don't blame it on trying to outdo myself, but rather that lifes complications have increased while, my ability to connect thoughts, and pen them to paper has decreased.

When I look at my site, I've kept up w/ photos of my apartment, but am missing photos of major moments in my life. And for all these photos there has been no text to accompany. So what about present day Panama.

I have a notebook which is a running list of my outlines/plans/thoughts/todos/etc. In this book used to be pages of todo items in Panama. Anything and everything had to be done. starting out in a new country, is nothing short of a hassle. Language barriers add to the mix, and when it comes to getting stuff done this culture frustrates me on a daily basis.

My older brother was here for alot of the early disasters. Apartment delays, rentals, cars, furniture, applicances, utilties, to name a few. I'm glad he was here, and I'm also glad the days of carboard box furniture are over. The whole reality of being here, still hasn't sunk in, and I don't think ever will.

I'm not really sure where I fit in here, because I don't fall under any of the typical stereo-types for foreigners in Panama. I'm too old to be the child of a foreigner and I'm too young to be a retiree. (For another 3 years). The advantage to this is that I can be in any stereo type that I want on anyday, as I have no boundries. That's a dangerous card to hold, and I'm guilty of having abused it over the last 6 months.

I became interested in Panama well over 2 years ago. After visiting for 3 weeks in 2005 I knew I wanted to spend time here. I wanted to purchase property at that time as well, and would have been the investment of a lifetime, but I wasn't near ready to dive in, as I was still getting my feet wet in Canada. A purchase in Edmonton, a 2nd trip to Panama, some maturing and here I am. Seeing your plans/dreams become a reality is an exciting but also sobering thought. Now it's a mix of enjoyment, and planning for what's next.

In the enjoyment mix comes having my own place, and although my work isn't as good as it used to be, it's still high on the scale, and w/ the flexibility I've alloted myself, I'm far from complaining. Houses are an exciting thing, and whether you like it or not they become a part of who you are, and it's true - you can tell alot about a person by the house they live in. My house, is finally becoming a home that I'm proud of and enjoy living in. I guess to start w/ I was nervous about buying anything for it, but now after thinking about buying everything from lights to appliance to furniture to painting and curtains, I feel alot more comfortable. One thing I would like to note - An empty house full of white concrete walls is an intimidating thing. Add that to my interior design experience, and I think we'll just have the jokes about living in a hospital stop. Thanks.

Since I bought this place last January, I've had a running list going of things I wanted in my own place. It's all about things that I would think about randomly when I was in Canada, and wanted to remember for when I did finally have my own place. I've covered most of the bases, and still have some good things coming.

There is pictures of all the stages, and I've attached a few below. I recently upgraded my 'media room'. It seems that the more I work the more movies that I watch. I'm still not quite sure how that adds up, but as evidence I have growing list of over 400 titles. If my dad is reading - Sorry - But - I paid for them once didn't I? I've been throwing around idea's for a long time now as to how to have a funky media room both for watching movies,etc. but also to be media for my apt, and do some more useful stuff like communications.

I'm not near 100%, but I definitely solved my problem w/ a purchase of a plasma tv, and PS3 last week. I wallmounted the Plasma, in a section of my living room, which makes it cornered off to one room, but makes it visible in the kitchen, eating area, etc. I hid a laptop behind the screen on the wall, which gives me everything windows can deliver me on a 42" surface in my living room, as well as the PS3 for Blue Ray and media center (and video games if I ever make a comeback). W/ the bluetooth controller, and wireless keyboard, It's awesome how the system works.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm anal, or because I'm a tech geek, but I have a tendency like my dad to research the socks of something (ricies), before I buy it. This tv purchase was no joke, and if I get really really bored one day I might write about my experience w/ purchasing/installing/etc. Probably not though, so enjoy the pictures.

I used to joke about waking up to the footsteps of Rosetta in the morning. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm close. Twice a week I have a person coming in to clean my house. It's almost a joke to be living like this, but it's a luxury that I can afford, and I'm going to. I'm joking about step 1, while I'm setting up step 2, which is full time cooking/cleaning/etc. It's the paradise and it just keeps getting better.

My best friend here in Panama, is named tutu. It's a turtle that I bought a couple months ago. I still don't know the sex, and I originally thought that we would be able to do alot of stuff together, but that hasn't really worked out. He really just keeps to himself, and doesn't say a whole lot. I think it's a language barrier thing, so I'm working on my spanish to make our relationship better.

I took some spanish lessons a couple months ago, but w/ the hassle of driving downtown at bad times, and my random schedule that didn't last very long. I'm not near fluent, but I can definitely understand people, and get across what I need to. I'm working on setting up more convenient lessons but in the meantime below is typical Panama:

My boss described it best, in that - People in Latin America work to live, and not live to work. That does sum up everything, although it's contradicting, as many of these countries, such as Panama, are considered 'Service Industries', but the service sucks everywhere. Alot of it has to do w/ out-dated technology, mainly paper over electronics, but it also has to do w/ the fact that Panamanians are just slow at what they do. I can't blame them as on average they're making 3-500$ a month, but they must realize that even here, if they work harder they can get ahead. I remember my friends dad griping in Dubai, about how in Canada he used to have a list of things he wanted to do in a day, and that list would be finished by the end of the day. In Dubai, and just like here, you're lucky if you get one of them done. A trip to the bank to do something useful takes a couple hours, to do anything w/ the government will take a couple hours times a few days.

I'm in the process of getting a local Driver's License. This is a 3 step process:
- Canadian embassy validates my license
- Panama Govn't validates the signature of the CDN embassy document
- Final application at 'registry' for license

Canadian embassy was no problem. Have to love Canada. Validating the signature has turned into a 4 day process. Day one I arrived, and the line-up was at hour long, so I decided to go the next day at open. I dropped my papers off no problem, but then they told me I need to go to the bank to pay for the service, 2$ - because they wouldn't accept the cash directly. (at this time the bank isn't opened). I go back later in the day to the bank and I'm not allowed to enter. Why? - because I don't have shoes and pants on. I'm spinning off random spanish the guard, and trying to figure out why he's trying to power trip, when all I need to do is pay 2$. He assures me that it's a rule in Panama, and I can't enter. I ask to talk to his manager. I told the manager that never in Panama I have had this problem, and that I really need to pay this today. 10 mins later I was allowed to enter - Curious look on the security guards face when I came walking back in, after she called him. I paid my 2$, then only to find out that back at the validation office, that it was closed, today for some reason early. A one day, one location process in Canada, has turned into 3 and 3.

I guess this is a bit of an extreme example, as what I'm trying to do, isn't exactly a normal process in a foreign country. Here is a better one:

Shop at an equivalent of 'Best Buy' or 'Future Shop' here, and it's again a 3 step process:
- Once you've found what you want - Tell sales clerk & they add it to your account
- Pay in the account area
- Collect items at seperate counter.

I'm not really sure that all the extra steps were necessary but we do have to give them credit in that they've created 3 jobs for every 1 that we would have in America. There is a service element in this system that would be awesome if they were efficient. But when it takes you 15mins at every stop, you start to wish that you could just grab what you wanted, pay the cashier, and get out.

This has quickly turned into a marathon. By quickly I mean that I've been journaling for over 2 hours, and a strange scraping sound just started coming from the next room.

I thought that I would be able to write about a typical day in Panama, but there is no such thing as a typical day in panama. It's almost 5 am now, and I'm in the middle of my work 'day'. I'm still working in cycles, and I'm not sure if it's my work schedule that is throwing off my life balance, or my life balance throwing off my work schedule? Either way.

I made the mistake of buying a very impractical car for the road conditions in Panama. Tire problems can be added to the running list of disasters. Ironically right now my car is in at the doctor - I went out last night, and when I arrived back at my car their was oil all over the place. My car is now sitting in the shop, and I should have it back tomorrow. I've taken a few trips w/ my car outside of the city to different beaches or to the interior. Panama does have alot of wickid nice beaches. There is a few average ones in close proximity to the city, or close boat ride, otherwise you have to fly/drive a ways to get to the exclusive/clean ones. Once I'm back from America next month, I want to take a few trips back to the interior, as well as to the Carribean side.

One of the reasons I chose Panama was for it's central location to the Carribean, & South/Central America. It's crazy cheap to fly to anywhere in this area, and I need to take advantage of it. A trip to Peru in February was a good taste. Peru was great, and words can't describe Machu Pichu.

I'm working right now from my home, doing Web Development. I have several projects on the go, but the main was is the development of a community platform. It's what's powering this website, as well as my largest project atm - www.quantumshift.tv. Quantum Shift is a community built around videos on environmental/social causes. We've done alot of funky things, including a Video Contest platform , which is hosting several contests across North America. We just launched one yesterday called "Finding Earth's Super Hero ". Because this contest is strictly for bragging rights, and not monetary prize, I'm allowed to participate. The guidelines are to create a superhero for the planet, and to create a short video about it.

I would recommend checking out the site, and you might even want to help me win this contest by joining my team! (I'll have my video up in the next couple weeks).

Initially in Panama, I was eating at alot of restaraunts, mostly because I didn't have a proper kitchen at the time, but also because I was lady, and was enjoying it. I've spun out of that completely, as it's such an inconvience. I remember if I was too lazy to make food in Canada it was easy to go anywhere, and have a decent feed in 15-20mins. Asides the fact that the roads are crazy, and it's a mission just to get anywhere, once you get there it's minimum 30mins just to get your food. There has been several times where I've been in a restaurant or store, and am frustrated w/ how long they're taking, so I just leave. That really only accomplishes leaving the hassle for another day. There is alot of great food here. Panamanian/Colombian/etc - but stress is an element not needed in life - That and I keep finding ways to impress myself in my own restaurant.

Over the last week I've been planning a road trip through America w/ my brother. I'll post some more details on that before leaving early next month. For now it's back to the randomness.

I was tempted to pimp the same pic as last year . But then I realized 2008 is a new year, and a new year deserves a new:

Although I'm fighting back the sobering thoughts in my mind, the buzz is winning, and with only a few hours left in the New Year I'm trying to make it easy on myself while entering the most random and difficult year of my life. The line between old and new dreams has become fuzzy. Ahead of me lies a decision. A decision that I will make tonight.

My eyes are full of tears, and there is no line between pain and joy. The first part of being alone is exactly how I wanted to be. Being this confused for answers is a situation that I could have never seen myself in. I want to laugh about it, and take it all in stride, but with my experience last night; there is many sleepless nights ahead. Is this how I wanted 2008 to start? With time moving at this pace, I'm left without options.

Notches continue to accumulate as pursuit of the dream continues. It's that type of dream, but not those type of notches.. From endless days in a cubicle to being teased when realizing my dream on the 18th floor. It's a tease that will haunt me all through the coming year. Everything that had happened in the previous 365 can be summed in 2 events; now3.

I summed it up the last time I wrote. It's a life and a dream that I've paid for. And with as much thrown out there as I have; it's a life and dream that I'll continue to pay for whether I like it or not. Before I arrived back in Panama yesterday I was filled with excitement, and with plans, and with questions. Within a few hours of my arrival I had the answers to questions that I hadn't even asked yet.

- Crack. It falls. Just like I've talked about it over the lasty year. The setup is perfect. It's a beautiful disaster. And in the disaster lies an opportunity that I have to follow because after 22 years it's what I know.

A single frame of my life is a poor indication of the whole, I've learned; as you will with me. With so many frames left unsaid and with so many more to follow - I can only be as confused as you. The beauty isn't in any single shot, but rather in the piece as a whole. As it should, each climax builds upon the last, and 2008 is no dissapointment.

http://www.enterinside.com/ryan/blog/_330/

It's important for me to re-iterate over the past year. 2007. There were of course high's, although it's the lows that take presidence. The boredom. The lack of ambition. With my passport as my witness; one new peg in Dubai. 2 more in Panama. Although it won't be a year I particularly remember in the future, it's been an essential year of my life. It's a year that cultivated my thoughts and dreams into plans and reality. A year of blending in, and standing out. With several new cards up my sleeve I once again find myself entering a new year with lofty goals in my mind and tears in my eyes.

With the latest news my timeline has been pushed from 4 years into 1. Along with the rest of my goals from a year ago - I can't be more than pleased with myself. One more property in my portfolio to accompony Unit 28 (and a losing stock). I slipped a little bit on the S2000, or did I? And although maybe not quite as successful as I would have liked I did work towards a successful startup.

Let's setup 2008, so that one year from today I can once again do as I am now. For starters the view of the fireworks from my 18th floor window are a treat. Now let's remove the building in front of them next year, and move up at least 10 floors. Convert 18A into a money making property; as well as my friend on the 2nd for that matter. Finish developing and realize my true potential in management through diversification and lower salaries. A 3 year project, smp, needs to enter center stage with a companion. Spanish. Latin America. A new Toy. Why not two. A once again doubled Portfolio. No Taxes. No Capital gains. Corporations.

Mels 25, Nolan 24, Lilly 10, me 21.

Having just been alive for the 3rd of my parents weddings I'm once again questioning the natural order, questioning marriage, and questioning....

http://www.enterinside.com/ryan/gallery/289/

Once again the Lightning crashes down. This time the mystery is less as 4 months has given you the knowledge that you would need to rest the confusion. Everything you have you've paid for, which means that you've worked for it in one way or another, and although you're comfortable it's still not enough.

Things haven't gone exactly as predicted. Through the high's and the low's you figure you've come out below the middle, and you setup this night to raise your position, or fold in your game and start fresh. Why tonight. It's rushed, and definitely doesn't feel right; but if any longer you run the risk of emotion ruining your entire game plan.

Even without pushing your car into the gas station last night, you know the signs are clear enough. You're about to gamble three weeks in one night, and your only comfort is in Ron Abuelo, A mystery man with only bad intentions.

Although I've tried to push in the other direction my wires are crossed and keep coming back. Just after it snaps, the branch falls, and that's not the only reason you push on. Yours is not the only unsettled limb. In all directions you look you're confused. You can't even be bothered to look up anymore because you're through with connecting the dots.

You're situation has declined, while the stakes have risen; since you were last in this situation. It's a dangerous play you're about to make, but you'll make it anyways. Unsure of the exact play you're about to make you trust that with over a bowl of Arguilles you'll pull your thoughts together and make the performance of your life in what will be your acting debut. Your second is only around the corner.

Confused now more than ever, you start to rush a play that has taken you three weeks to build. In these 3 weeks you've lost sight of the goal several times, but you've kept optomistic and tonight you'll come to realize your full potential.

USA

281.973.6030

Panama

507.6734.8711

The music continues to play. Just as it did before. It's a classic tune. Not the type that would make my father's warddrobe proud, but the kind that Greg would appreciate. Not the type of Greg who would live on the edge of fashion acceptance, but the one that would live on the edge of musical sanity. It's the same classical note that fills an otherwise empty house for Michael to enjoy. If you think for a minute or for a second that I'm talking about a Michael with a last name Jackson, you're both wrong and right. Wrong in that the Labrador's name is just Michael. I'm not sure where Jackson came from. Right in that precisely when I was hoping for an MJ impersination I was hearing stories about Tupac, and the Big EZ. No I'm not talking about what Santa says when he fills stockings at christmas.

I just went back through my old journals to sort out the date. It has been longer than I thought. Rounding up to 2 years quickly before it rounds down to 1. I could report that things are the same; which in part would be true. Houston has remained a place I enjoy to visit, and I believe would enjoy to live. From the food, to the weather, to the people, to the location, to the food; This much hasn't changed - Although I have. From 19 to 21 in a blink of an eye, it's unbievable to me how times wings have grown, and the path they've taken me on. From one completely different reality to the next in a matter of a few years. It's never moved this quickly before, and at the moment I hope it doesn't slow down.

I find my mind constantly occupied with thoughts, of all kinds, I wish I had as much time to sit and think as I did years ago.

I've pictured these moments for months. Surprisingly it resembles very little to what I imagined. It's been much longer since I was in Houston then I was in Panama, although the rate that things have changed; No doubt Panama is destined to have her share of surprises.

One of the nicest evenings I've had in a while, was a few nights before flying out of Calgary. Either the odds are playing a trick or fate is working overtime. Either way - Things to think about in the coming weeks.

GRMN shoots up for the 4th day in a row. It's only a small preview of what's coming.

A buzz that started in Banff, hit it's climax this evening; Mojitos in descending order - Razzberry, Frozen, Blueberry.

I know exactly how I feel about where I am, and the things going on around me. Do you? - I just finished packing my current life up into 3 suitcases. And repacking again. That's only the beginning. Let's stack it in the middle, the journey into the unknown. I quickly put on top of it the old, that is trying to discover the new, in dangerous and predictable steps; above the acceptance of the old that has done just that. Accepted the old, and has remained with it.

I've already witnessed far too much for my age, and I cannot help but to think that my fate is right. now. The meaning and the rhyme of course caught between a layer of disception, that occupies my mind. An inside struggle - and fair enough - it has taken two years to become reality. It's still not.

I'm a market opening and closing away from boarding a plane, and heading to a dream I crafted over two years ago. Two years is much to long, and I sense that in the new year I will not have near the patience I have talked about since I was four years old. Patience is not a virtue - Patience is merely something that people without alternatives blame their actions on.

The arguements roll in, and this weeks hot contendors are nothing shy of the S2000 and the TT. I've listened to the arguments on both sides, and I must say I'm leaning towards Audi. Only time, (and availability), will tell. Either way exciting, and the glass of cold water in my right hand is a good sign of some nights to come.

The lightning crashes down all around me, and I can't help but to think of the other wonders; how times' wings are growing at an increasing rate. I look top right and I see July 19th. What happened to June, and May, let alone the 18th.

It's the second night in a row I've the mixture just right. A welcomed cold breeze flows over my back and in what used to take one night, I'll try to get out in three.

Before I go forward, I rewind 2 years. A year when in the most broken state I've ever been I came to a realization, and started to define who I was, and where I was going. I had lofty plans, and in the end wasn't mature enough to make the timing right. I can look over and over again at my thoughts and goals, and have more respect for them then, than I do now. The goals were honest, and I approached them in a way much more desirable than today.

I move back the the present, and realize my lofty plans are now reality, just two years behind. Why 2 years, when 3 years is the number I should be concentrating on. It's as simple as change of fate that has brought the present to be.

I've lost all there is to gain; And as I play it over and over again, I'm with nothing new to contemplate. There was a day when an image of you would stir the pigeons, when a thought of you would bring a tear. not now. There is no more scratching, no new tears; only scars. Scars. All that are left to remind me that the past has been real. That those thoughts were real. That those dreams were real. That you are real.

The song has changed, but the beauty in the melody is all the same. It's had 2 years to develop, and in that time I've watched myself and the world change. I've sat back and watched, as thoughts progressed into reality. A 7 year plan turned into 5.

A swim at noon today fast forwards me now only 2 months. I awake on the 18th floor. Even before I'm out of bed, there is already feet moving around 18A. I rise to the voice of Rosetta. It's a short elevator ride to the 4th floor, and that's when reality settles in.

Although my thoughts are english, my words are not. Lunch welcomes me again on the 18th. My screens as rotated as my lifestyle, I pass the remaining heat with yet again another language while sitting patiently on the first floor awaits another J as well as another evening. The breeze on the patio is nothing like it is now. The mixture will be the same; but the view.

The sun has long since fallen. I sit alone with a hot plate, and watch the world travel by floors below. It's a busy world. One that doesn't stop when the sun sets. It's a view that for three months is all my own.

One block remains with $20 dollars in my hand, and my friend on the first to define it. It's a reality and dream that took 2 years to make. And Just like it did 2 years ago, the music starts to play.

The present dream is already three years in the making. What you would have told me then wasn't possible, I've already done it. I wasn't wired to stop just there. My thoughts, my plans. They've grown faster than before, and as foreign hands will teach me - there is nothing left to prove. My branch has no reason to fall to the ground, and God will be there, as he has in the past to see it so.