Searching for myself, Finding Stella. It's really only tempation, and I give in because for over two weeks I've tried to turn my thoughts and scribbles into journal, and it's made my thoughts erratic. Pull yourself together Ryan. The bleeding continues, but you're onto something here. In front of me lays words of past frustrations, and thoughts. Many which have sense, and many without. I'm trapped. So it goes. ----- ----- Rewind the clock long enough, and you'll find me dead, lying next to the thoughts that are inside my head today. I new something wasn't right; the whole situation wasn't right, and it I lost it, without even knowing what it was. Everyone has something to believe. Was it nature, and I had no control, or was it the world in which I became a part of? Was it my actions, or those of another? Could the situation have been different? Could I have been different? Do my thoughts and experiences differ much from those around me? ----- ----- Silence, Suicide and 1900 bells. At times I'll find myself thinking it's only me, but your recent curiosity rewinds it until, there is two of us again, and so it should be. Damien Rice. Bombs go off, and insomnia sets in, setting everything out of line. A new beginning is near; showing itself more clearly every day as I round the bend towards 21. A vivid tree is in the background, moving forward. A branch just fell to the ground, my name on it. Nature has taken it's course. I'm through fighting it. Thoughts, idea's, building action. A new chapter recently uncovered, the biggest yet, and I'm nervous. These nights leave me with the conclusion that there is more confusion and chaos than I've previously experienced. Chalk it up, another notch, another day, another ending. ----- ----- You've a title, an age, and a stand point that differs from mine. You corner me, and take advantage of it. In your mind you're right, and you've just acted on it. My feet as tightly planted as yours. Your ability to create the situation you did, and then walk away, is only history repeating itself, and I brace myself, as only God knows when it will recur. When it does, as awkward as it may sound, I'll eXplode it out of proportion. You'll know exactly what is going on, and so it is, the continuum.
----- ----- It all turns to a blur as Stella leaves my side. Words creating sentences and paragraphs, through them emotions; a tear is shed, and so it is. No one said it would be easy. But noone ever said it would be like this either. All of us really have no idea, and it's your foolishness that hates for me to say it. ----- ----- There's arms and legs now, and the situation continues to advance. Without a name, a date, an image, you've become an obsession of my mind. Even if I could put it into words, it wouldn't be worth it. It would surprise you my knowlege of this virtue at such a young age, that being patience, and so it continues. It's a reality that is completely un-becoming of me. I've shelved the things I once held, and have now selfishly once again my hands full. I carefully watch myself, as I'm aware the dangers of leaving them where they presently are. You'll find out some day that I never have left you, and never will. ----- ----- She's back, and I'm buzzing once again. I'm not the only one buzzing. You wait on the beach long enough for your ship to come in, and it does. Your confusion, and past is now exactly that. We're all filled with questions, and watching as you walk. I know the past, have a pretty good idea of the future but surprisingly it's the presence that leaves me wondering. |
